


How Can I Not Love You

by shadowsamurai



Category: Elenium/Tamuli Series - David & Leigh Eddings
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-15
Updated: 2012-06-15
Packaged: 2017-11-07 19:16:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/434457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsamurai/pseuds/shadowsamurai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was never meant to happen. Neither imagined it could. Yet it did, and in doing so, both wished they had never discovered what love was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Can I Not Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place sometime before the Elenium. All lyrics used belong to George Fenton and Kenneth Edmonds, from the film 'Anna and the King'.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm just borrowing things for a while and I promise I'll put everything back exactly how I found it when I've finished. Well, almost exactly how I found it. ;)

V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S

It was never meant to happen. She never even thought it possible. Never once entertained the idea, and to have those feelings inside of her now, feelings of tenderness, fondness…*love*…for a barbarian…it made her feel sick. But even as Sephrenia tried to convince herself of that fact, she knew in her heart and deep in her soul it simply wasn't true. She had been with the Pandions for a great many years, teaching them the Styric secrets, and while she had grown to tolerate them, Sephrenia had never thought she could ever be fond of them. Well, there were two certain young boys that showed great promise and who had managed to worm their way into her affections without her even realising it. Sephrenia wondered if Aphrael was to blame for Sparhawk and Kalten's behaviour, and she would have asked the impish Goddess if she hadn't remembered she was still upset with Aphrael for ordering her to live with the Elenes in the first place.

Sephrenia had taken little convincing that all Elenes were barbarians and savages, but then she met Vanion. He was different, but of course she would think that. She would think he was different even if every Pandion in the order was a carbon copy of him. But there was something very gentle in his manner, an easy courtesy and chivalry about him that Sephrenia hadn't wanted to see, but couldn't very well ignore. Vanion was always that way, but more so around her, as anyone who wanted to could see. And there in lay the problem.

*Cannot touch  
Cannot hold  
Cannot be together*

But now, after so many years living with Elenes, and the Pandions in particular, Sephrenia had come to realise that not all Elenes were barbarians, that they possessed a dry wit and a caring side that was suppressed, hidden beneath the layers of brutality and bluntness. She had finally allowed herself to trust a select few, even let them call her 'little mother', and it was true. She mothered them relentlessly, even Vanion, because she cared about them so much. Sephrenia could imagine Aphrael's smug tone and expression as she said 'I told you so' again and again.

The years had been kind to Sephrenia. No one knew her exact age, and all were too polite to ask. But Vanion had grown old, more worn, more battered around the edges, yet still she cared for him. Her reputation had grown, not just amongst the Pandions, but the rest of the Church Knights as well. While each order had their own Styric teacher, none had the special relationship that Sephrenia enjoyed with the Pandions. She felt secure, knowing the Knights would protect her against anything, but she wanted more. She knew it was wrong, impossible, and against all the rules of all the Gods, but still…the feelings were there. And though Elene and Styric relations had improved slightly over the years, such unions were still discouraged strongly, and where they did occur, a name had been devised: Zemochs.

*Cannot love  
Cannot kiss  
Cannot have each other*

And one day, Sephrenia realised what 'more' was. Vanion hadn't even been any where near her; she was with Sparhawk and the young princess Ehlana in the gardens, simply walking and talking. The young Pandion Knight had such a presence about him, and while Sephrenia knew of his fate, she was certain she would have felt the power he radiated without having been told what he was destined for. But there was a gentleness there as well. Perhaps that was it. All the Knights under Vanion's tutelage seemed to have inherited the same characteristics as the Preceptor. But the real reason for Sephrenia's epiphany was the way Ehlana was looking at Sparhawk. She was only a few years old, but already she had a determined gaze, which was currently fixed on her champion. Sephrenia knew what the look meant, and she was almost tempted to warn Sparhawk against it. But she was too caught up in her own thoughts to follow that idea through. The 'more' Sephrenia was after was love.

*Must be strong,  
And we must let go  
Cannot say  
What our hearts must know*

It was foolish, of course. Even if Vanion felt the same way - and Sephrenia felt that was a rather large 'if' - there were so many obstacles and problems in their way, they would never have a peaceful life. They would be met with hatred from both sides, Elenes and Styrics, and even the Zemochs would shun them. Sparhawk and Kalten would turn away from them, and may even be forced by the Archprelate to take desperate measures to denounce such a union. Then Sephrenia shook her head. Foolishness. Supposition was all it would ever be. But there was a small voice in the back of her mind telling her that every theory had to have a basis in fact, not matter how small that basis was. She was not imaging the way Vanion treated her or looked at her…the hints were not out in the open for everyone to see, but she was certain they were there. Yet they might as well not have been for all the good it did the pair of them. They were trapped by class and society, by race and duty, and suddenly Sephrenia wished she had never discovered what 'love' was.

*How can I not love you  
What do I tell my heart  
When do I not want you  
Here in my arms*

V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S

Vanion had not particularly cared one way or the other when Sephrenia showed up to instruct the Pandions. He was indifferent about Styrics, believing there were good and bad ones, just like Elenes, and he had never spent long enough around one of them to form an opinion. Until Sephrenia. It was clear to Vanion that she despised Elenes and resented having been sent there to teach them, although what grievance his race had caused her, he wasn't sure. But he felt certain that he would never find out; it was obvious Sephrenia wanted as little to do with Elenes as humanly possible.

But over the years, things changed, and she gradually became to realise, like Vanion already knew, that not all Elenes were savages and barbarians, who believed themselves superior to all other beings on the planet. Vanion liked to think that he had in some small measure helped Sephrenia's transition. He went out of his way to make her feel comfortable and at home with the Pandions, and while his actions may have been misconstrued as some inappropriate were she an Elene, Vanion didn't worry what others thought. Because Sephrenia *wasn't* an Elene, and therein lay the problem and the solution.

*Cannot dream  
Cannot share  
Sweet and tender moments*

It wasn't supposed to happen like that. In fact, it wasn't supposed to happen at all. Vanion knew a few knights who got married, but for the most part, they were a bachelor lot, not wishing to put the stress of their job onto anyone else. Vanion had always been happy alone, especially as he was Preceptor of the Pandion Order. He had duties and obligations that tied his hands and took up most of his time; he was simply too busy for a wife. But deep down, he knew that wasn't the whole reason. The first time Vanion saw Sephrenia, he felt a sudden, strong surge of overwhelming protectiveness, something he had never really felt towards anyone before. He shrugged it off at the time, putting it down to a Styric in the midst of an Elene city, but as he had grown older, Vanion knew it was something else, something that would have been simple if Sephrenia was an Elene. But she wasn't.

*Cannot feel  
How we feel  
Must pretend it's over*

Vanion thought many times that he was being stupid, that it was some kind of childish infatuation, but deep in his heart, he knew nothing was further from the truth. Somewhere along the line, he had fallen for the petite Styric woman; he had found what he didn't even know he was looking for. Love. But it was impossible. Even if she felt the same way, which Vanion felt was as likely as an Elder God being destroyed in his lifetime, society would never allow it. He would be expelled from the Pandion Order, and they would both be outcast from every place, Styric and Elene. Vanion didn't even want to think about how Sparhawk would react, although he had the strange feeling the young Pandion Knight wouldn't be the slightest bit bothered. Neither would Kalten, and Vanion found it was the opinion of those two that mattered the most to him. Although he rather thought Sparhawk would have his hands full when the Princess was older; Vanion had never seen such single-mindedness as when Ehlana looked at her champion.

*Must be brave  
And we must go on  
Must not say  
What we've known all along*

Vanion wasn't the most observant man in the world when it came to affairs of the heart; he freely admitted his faults to himself. But when it came to Sephrenia, he was almost certain that his feelings were *not* one-sided. There were so many little things she did differently when he was around; even the 'dear one' term of endearment she had grown to use for all the Pandions seemed to be spoken in a different tone when she was addressing him. It was subtle, as though she was just testing the waters, looking to see if he felt the way she did. Vanion wasn't sure what the purpose of that was; they were still trapped either way and nothing short of a miracle would solve their problems.

*How does one waltz away  
From all the memories  
How do I not miss you  
When you are gone*

V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S-V&S

The day Sparhawk was banished was one of the worst days in Sephrenia's life, and from the look on the Preceptor's face, the same held true for Vanion. The two of them stood side-by-side as they watched the lone knight trot solemnly away on Faran, never looking back, never hesitating. Kalten had been sent away on a mission, otherwise Vanion was certain Sparhawk wouldn't have been leaving alone.

He was vaguely aware of Sephrenia shivering beside him, and without really thinking his actions through, he put an arm about her shoulder and drew her into his side. Vanion expected her to push him away or hit him in the least, but Sephrenia surprised him by turning her head and burying her face into his chest. As he brought his other arm around her shoulders, her hands circled his waist, and they simply held each other, drawing strength and supporting each other.

When they drew apart, it was slowly, as though neither actually wanted to let go. And when Vanion looked down into Sephrenia's eyes, and she up into his, they saw something they both thought was there but had never actually noticed properly. But now there was no denying it; their feelings were literally staring them in the face. And yet there was desperation, as they both knew it was hopeless. Wordlessly, they stepped apart, turned and walked away in opposite directions. But to anyone listening properly, they would have heard the words screamed by Vanion and Sephrenia's expressions, and their postures….

*How can I not love you*

FIN


End file.
